Temper tantrums are tough on everyone. If you’re in the thick of it with 15 month old temper tantrums, you know exactly what I mean. One minute, everything is fine. The next, you’re dealing with a full-blown meltdown over the wrong color cup. It’s exhausting, but you’re not alone. These outbursts are a totally normal—if frustrating—part of development. From 15 month old tantrums to a 2 year old who throws tantrums all day, the root cause is often the same: a little person with huge feelings they just can’t express yet.
At Strong Start, we work closely with families navigating this stage, and we know it’s not easy. One minute your child is happily stacking blocks, and the next they’re wailing, clinging to your leg, or even banging their head on the floor out of sheer overwhelm. You’re not doing anything wrong—and your child isn’t trying to be difficult. They’re simply working through intense feelings with the tools they have. That’s where we come in: to help you better understand, respond to, and even prevent some of those outbursts.
Quick Answer: How to Handle Temper Tantrums
Tantrums happen when a young child’s emotions overwhelm their ability to cope or communicate. You can handle them calmly by staying grounded yourself, acknowledging what your child is feeling, and guiding them toward more appropriate ways to express those big emotions.
Understanding Temper Tantrums
At their core, temper tantrums are a child’s way of expressing frustration, confusion, or unmet needs—loudly and without much filter. They can look like crying, screaming, throwing toys, or refusing to move. In some cases, you might see behaviors like biting, spitting, or banging their head. These moments can feel intense and even alarming, especially if they seem to come out of nowhere.
But here’s the thing: tantrums aren’t about manipulation or “bad behavior.” They’re often a signal that a child is overwhelmed and doesn’t yet have the tools to say what they need or want. From a developmental standpoint, toddlers are still learning self-regulation. Their brains are wired for impulse first and logic much, much later.
Recognizing tantrums as part of healthy development—not as something to punish or fear—can shift how you approach them. It’s not about controlling your child; it’s about coaching them through difficult emotions until they can do it on their own.
Understanding the “Why” Behind Tantrums
To handle tantrums effectively, it helps to know where they come from. These outbursts aren’t random acts of defiance; they’re rooted in your child’s development. When you understand the “why,” you can respond with more empathy and less frustration. Tantrums are a sign that your child is growing and learning, even when it feels like the exact opposite. They are grappling with a world that is big, exciting, and often overwhelming, all while trying to figure out their place in it. This process is messy, but it’s also a critical part of them becoming a capable, independent person.
Brain Development and Communication
Imagine feeling a huge wave of anger or frustration but not having the words to explain it. That’s the reality for most toddlers. The part of their brain responsible for emotional regulation is still under construction, making it easy for them to get overwhelmed by stress or unmet needs. A tantrum is often just a raw, unfiltered release of those big feelings. At Strong Start, our educators are trained to see past the outburst and recognize the communication breakdown happening beneath the surface. They help children label their emotions, which is the first step toward managing them.
The Drive for Independence
Around 15 months, toddlers enter a new phase of wanting to do everything “by myself!” This powerful drive for independence is a healthy and important part of their development. The problem is, their physical abilities and understanding of rules haven’t caught up with their ambitions. They want to pour their own milk but spill it everywhere. They want to wear sandals in the snow. This gap between what they want to do and what they can do is a major source of frustration. These quick-tempered outbursts are their way of saying, “I want to be in charge of my world!”
Testing Limits to Learn
What looks like defiance is often just good, old-fashioned research. Toddlers are little scientists, and their main experiment is figuring out how the world works. They test limits to learn what the rules are and what happens when they push them. This isn’t about being naughty; it’s about gathering data. When your child scribbles on the wall, they’re exploring creativity and cause-and-effect, not trying to ruin your paint job. This aligns with our inquiry-based approach, where we see children as capable learners who discover rules and concepts through hands-on exploration in a supportive environment.
Distinguishing Needs vs. Wants
One of the most helpful things you can do during a tantrum is to quickly figure out if it’s driven by a need or a want. A need is something essential: food, sleep, comfort, or connection. A want is a preference: a specific toy, a cookie before dinner, or wearing a superhero cape to bed. If your child is melting down because they are tired, hungry, or feeling unwell, those are fundamental needs that require your immediate and compassionate attention. Addressing a need isn’t giving in; it’s providing care and showing your child they are safe and understood.
On the other hand, tantrums over wants are opportunities to teach boundaries and coping skills. It’s okay for your child to be disappointed that they can’t have another piece of candy. Your job isn’t to prevent all disappointment but to help them learn how to handle it. You can acknowledge their desire (“I know you really want that candy”) while holding the limit firm (“but we’re all done with sweets for today”). This approach validates their feelings without giving in to the demand, teaching them that while their emotions are always acceptable, not all behaviors are.
Typical Age and Duration of Tantrums
If you’re in the thick of it, you might be wondering how long this phase will last. While every child is different, tantrums are most common between the ages of one and four, often peaking between two and three years old. This is the period when a child’s desire for independence is high, but their communication and self-regulation skills are still low. The good news is that as children develop better language skills, they become more capable of expressing their feelings with words instead of actions, and the frequency of tantrums naturally decreases.
Most individual tantrums are surprisingly short, even if they feel like an eternity. They typically last between two and five minutes. The key is how you respond. Staying calm and consistent can help the emotional storm pass more quickly. If tantrums frequently last much longer, happen multiple times a day, or involve self-harm, it might be helpful to check in with your pediatrician. But for most families, this is a temporary and normal developmental stage. In our preschool classrooms, we focus heavily on social-emotional learning to give children the tools they need to move beyond this phase.
Common Triggers of Tantrums
Tantrums often seem to erupt out of thin air, but there’s usually a deeper reason simmering underneath. Some kids melt down when they’re asked to stop doing something fun. Others unravel when they’re hungry, overtired, or overstimulated by noise, lights, or even just a busy day. Big emotions mixed with unmet basic needs is a recipe for an explosion.
Emotional triggers can be subtle but powerful. Your child might be dealing with feelings of disappointment, frustration, or even fear—emotions they don’t have words for yet. That’s when you might see a clingy toddler refusing to let go of your shirt, or a preschooler who lashes out by spitting or hitting when a toy is taken away.
Understanding the root of the behavior can help you respond with empathy, not just correction. Once you start noticing the patterns—like tantrums right before dinner or after daycare—you’ll be better prepared to meet your child where they are.
Proactive Strategies to Prevent Tantrums
While tantrums can’t be avoided altogether (and that’s okay), there are practical ways to reduce how often they happen and how intense they become. At Strong Start, we often talk about creating a rhythm to the day—because predictability can be a lifeline for young children. A steady routine helps kids feel secure, and when they know what’s coming next, they’re less likely to fall apart over a transition.
Another strategy we love is offering limited, age-appropriate choices. Instead of, “What do you want to wear?” try “Would you like the dinosaur shirt or the striped one?” Giving your child some control in small moments can prevent big power struggles later on.
It also helps to get ahead of basic needs before they snowball into tantrums. Think of it as emotional weatherproofing—keeping your child fed, rested, and not too overstimulated. When that’s not enough, tune in to early signs of distress: maybe your toddler gets extra clingy when they’re about to lose it, or your preschooler goes quiet before erupting. These early cues are your window to step in gently—redirect, connect, or simply sit with them for a moment—before the storm hits.
Give Warnings Before Transitions
Have you ever been deep in a project, only to be abruptly told you have to stop and do something else? It’s jarring. For toddlers, who live completely in the present moment, that feeling is magnified. Transitions—like leaving the playground, turning off a show, or getting ready for bed—are a common tantrum trigger because they feel like a sudden loss. Giving a simple heads-up can make all the difference. A five-minute warning before it’s time to clean up or a two-minute countdown before leaving the park helps your child’s brain prepare for the shift, making them a participant in the change rather than a victim of it.
Pick Your Battles
As parents, we spend a lot of time setting important boundaries around safety and kindness. But not every issue carries the same weight. Sometimes, a tantrum can be avoided by simply asking yourself, “Does this really matter?” If your child insists on wearing their rain boots on a sunny day or eating with the “wrong” spoon, it might be worth letting it go. Granting them control over small, safe choices helps them feel empowered and reduces the power struggles that can lead to meltdowns. Save your energy and your “no” for the things that truly count, like holding hands in a parking lot or not hitting their sibling.
Limit How Often You Say “No”
For a toddler, the word “no” can feel like a constant roadblock to their curiosity. When they hear it over and over, it can either lose its meaning or become an instant trigger for frustration. Instead of a direct “no,” try rephrasing your limit in a positive or neutral way. For example, instead of “No running inside,” you could say, “We use our walking feet in the house.” If they reach for something fragile, you might try, “That’s not a toy, but you can play with these blocks.” This approach, which our own educators use, redirects their energy and teaches them what they *can* do, rather than just focusing on what they can’t.
Promote Independence
The toddler years are marked by a fierce drive for independence. That classic “I do it myself!” cry is a sign of healthy development, but it’s also a major source of frustration when their skills don’t yet match their ambition. You can support this drive and prevent tantrums by creating opportunities for them to succeed on their own. Set up a low shelf in the pantry with healthy snacks they can reach, keep their cups in a drawer they can open, or let them try to put on their own shoes. Fostering this independence within our toddler classrooms helps children feel capable and in control, reducing the need to lash out when they feel powerless.
Effective Responses During a Tantrum
In the thick of a tantrum, your child isn’t trying to push your buttons—they’re drowning in a wave of emotion they can’t yet manage. Your calm presence in that moment matters more than any words you might say. The goal isn’t to shut the tantrum down, but to help your child ride it out safely and feel understood along the way.
First and foremost: keep yourself grounded. If you can stay calm (and we know that’s easier said than done), you’re modeling the very emotional regulation you want your child to learn. Take a deep breath. Lower your voice. Your nervous system helps regulate theirs.
Next, make sure the space is safe. If your child is kicking or banging their head, gently move them to a softer area or place a pillow nearby to protect them. Don’t try to reason right away—they’re not in a space to hear logic yet. But do acknowledge the feeling: “You’re really mad. It’s okay to feel that way.”
Try not to escalate with punishment or big reactions. Tantrums aren’t a battle to win—they’re an opportunity to connect. Even if you’re holding a firm boundary, your child still needs to feel that you’re steady, not scared off by their intensity.
Practice Parent Self-Regulation
When your child is spiraling, your first job is to be their anchor. This is often the hardest part, because big emotions are contagious. But your ability to stay calm is the most powerful tool you have. Before you react, take a deep, slow breath. Remind yourself that this is a developmental storm, not a personal attack. Your child needs your steadiness to find their own. At Strong Start, our educators are trained to co-regulate with children, using their own calm to help a child feel safe. You can do the same by lowering your voice, relaxing your shoulders, and simply being a quiet, reassuring presence until the wave passes.
Use Fewer Words
In the middle of a tantrum, your child’s logical brain is offline. They are completely flooded with emotion and can’t process reasoning, threats, or lengthy explanations. Trying to talk them out of it will likely only add more stimulation to an already overwhelmed system. Instead, use short, simple, and validating phrases. Acknowledge what you see without judgment: “You are so frustrated right now,” or “It’s hard when we have to leave the park.” This isn’t about agreeing with the behavior; it’s about showing your child that you see their feeling. This simple act of naming the emotion helps them learn to identify it themselves over time.
Offer a Choice of Comfort
Holding a boundary is important, but you can do it while still offering connection. A tantrum doesn’t have to be a standoff. Your child needs to know that even when you say no to something they want, you are still there for them. You can offer comfort without giving in. Try saying, “I know you’re upset we can’t have more screen time. I’m right here for a hug when you’re ready,” or “Would you like to sit on my lap or sit next to me for a minute?” This communicates that you are their safe space, even when they are feeling their worst, and it’s a core part of how we partner with parents to build trust.
Consider Planned Ignoring
This strategy requires careful judgment, but it can be effective for attention-seeking tantrums. Planned ignoring doesn’t mean leaving your child alone or withdrawing your love. It means you stop giving the behavior itself an audience, as long as your child is physically safe. If they are whining, crying, or flopped on the floor because you said no to a toy, you can stay nearby without engaging directly with the tantrum. You might say, “I see you’re upset. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to talk,” and then busy yourself with a simple task. This shows them that the outburst isn’t an effective tool for getting what they want, while reassuring them that you are available for connection once they’ve calmed down.
What Not to Do
Just as important as knowing how to respond is knowing what to avoid. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to fall back on reactions that seem helpful but can actually make tantrums more likely in the future. These are some of the most common pitfalls to sidestep. Remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Every tantrum is a chance to practice a more intentional response, and every misstep is a learning opportunity for both of you.
Don’t Give In
It’s one of the hardest things to do when your child is screaming in public, but try your best not to give in to their demands. If you’ve already said no to a cookie, handing one over to stop the crying sends a clear message: tantrums work. As BabyCenter notes, this pattern teaches your child that a big emotional outburst is an effective strategy for getting what they want. Instead, hold the boundary calmly and firmly. This consistency is crucial for helping your child understand limits and feel secure. It shows them that you are a steady leader they can count on, even when they’re upset with your decisions.
Don’t Use Screens or Food as a Quick Fix
Handing over a phone or a bag of snacks can feel like a magic wand that instantly stops a tantrum. While it might work in the short term, it prevents your child from learning how to actually process their feelings. Using distractions like these teaches them to numb or ignore their emotions rather than work through them. Instead, guide them toward healthy coping mechanisms like taking deep breaths, finding a quiet space, or getting a hug. The goal is to equip them with real tools for emotional regulation that will serve them long after the tantrum has passed and help them build resilience for life’s bigger challenges.
Don’t Hit or Bite Back
When a child hits, kicks, or bites during a tantrum, it can be incredibly triggering. But responding with physical force yourself is never the answer. Hitting or biting your child back only teaches them that aggression is an acceptable way to solve problems. Your child is already completely overwhelmed; adding more aggression to the situation will only escalate their fear and confusion. Instead, focus on maintaining everyone’s safety. Calmly but firmly stop the behavior by holding their hands or moving them to a safe spot. If you feel your own anger rising, it’s okay to step away for a moment to collect yourself before you re-engage.
Teaching Emotional Regulation Skills
Once your child is calm (and your heart rate is back to normal), you can circle back and begin to build their emotional toolbox. Tantrums are tough, but they’re also teachable moments if we treat them that way.
Start by helping your child name what they were feeling: “You were frustrated because the block tower fell over.” Labeling emotions builds emotional literacy, and over time, this helps children recognize and talk about their feelings instead of acting them out.
You can also teach simple calming strategies. Practice taking deep belly breaths together, blowing on pretend soup, or counting to five with fingers. Some families create a “calm-down corner” with soft pillows and a few comfort items. For others, a favorite stuffed animal becomes a go-to for a big hug.
Learning to regulate emotions is a skill that takes time—just like learning to tie shoes or ride a bike. You’re not behind, and neither is your child. You’re both learning together.
After the Tantrum
The storm has passed, the tears have dried, and the house is quiet again. This post-tantrum calm is a critical time for connection and learning. Your child has just been through a major emotional event, and how you respond now helps shape their understanding of feelings, relationships, and problem-solving. It’s not about rehashing what went wrong, but about gently guiding them back to a place of safety and starting to build the skills they’ll need for next time. This is where you move from being a calm anchor in the storm to a supportive coach on the shore, helping them make sense of what just happened.
Reassure Them of Your Love
After a tantrum, your child needs to know that your love is unconditional and that their big feelings haven’t pushed you away. A simple, warm hug or a few minutes of quiet cuddling can repair any sense of disconnection. This physical closeness communicates safety and acceptance far more effectively than words. Once they feel settled, you can softly say something like, “That was a really big feeling. I’m here, and I love you.” This reinforces that while the behavior might have been unacceptable, their emotions are always valid and you will always be their safe space to land.
Let Them Work Through Frustration
It’s tempting to swoop in and fix whatever caused the meltdown, but allowing your child to experience and work through frustration is essential for building resilience. Think of it like this: you wouldn’t take over every time they stumbled while learning to walk. Emotional development works the same way. Instead of solving the problem for them, become their co-pilot. You can validate their struggle—“It’s so frustrating when the blocks keep falling down, isn’t it?”—and then gently guide them toward a solution by asking, “What could we try next?” This approach empowers them to become creative problem-solvers, a core part of how our exceptional educators guide learning in the classroom.
When to Seek Professional Help
Most tantrums are developmentally appropriate and fade with time, but sometimes they point to something deeper that deserves a closer look. If your child’s tantrums are frequent, intense, or last well beyond the toddler years, it might be time to check in with a professional. Signs to watch for include regular aggression toward others, self-injury like biting or banging their head, or tantrums that disrupt daily life more often than not.
There’s no shame in asking for help. Talking with your pediatrician or a child development specialist can offer clarity—and reassurance that you’re not alone in this experience.
Specific Red Flags
It can be tough to distinguish between a typical developmental phase and something that needs more attention. While most tantrums are normal, a few specific signs might suggest it’s a good idea to talk with an expert. Look for tantrums that are happening very frequently (several times a day), are intensely aggressive toward others, or consistently involve self-injurious behaviors like biting or head banging. Another indicator is if these intense outbursts continue well past the preschool years, or if they regularly disrupt your family’s ability to function. These aren’t reasons to panic, but they are signals that a conversation with your pediatrician can provide valuable support and guidance.
Final Thoughts on How to Deal With Temper Tantrums
There’s no perfect script for parenting through tantrums—but you don’t need one. These moments aren’t signs you’re failing; they’re signs your child is learning. With patience, practice, and a little support, you can guide your child through even their biggest feelings—and teach them that all emotions are welcome, not just the easy ones.
If you’re working through these developmental stages with your child in the Shelton, Trumbull, or Wilton, CT area, feel free to give us a call! We’re always here to help.
Frequently Asked Questions
Am I a bad parent if my child has a lot of tantrums? Absolutely not. Tantrums are a sign of normal, healthy development, not a reflection of your parenting skills. They happen because your child’s brain is still developing the ability to manage big emotions and communicate complex needs. Think of it as a developmental storm that your child needs your help to weather. Your calm and consistent response is what matters most, and the fact that you’re seeking out information shows you’re a thoughtful and caring parent.
What’s the best way to handle a tantrum in a public place like the grocery store? First, take a deep breath to ground yourself. Your main goal is to move to a quieter, more private space if possible, like your car or an empty aisle. This removes the audience and reduces overstimulation for your child. Keep your response simple and focused on safety and connection. You can say something like, “I see you’re having a hard time. Let’s go outside for a minute.” Acknowledge their feelings without giving in to the demand that caused the tantrum.
Is it okay to just walk away when my child is having a tantrum? This depends on the situation and your intention. If you mean walking away to take a breath in the next room so you can stay calm, that’s a great self-regulation strategy. However, it’s important that your child knows you are still available and that they are safe. This is different from storming off in anger. You can say, “I see you’re very upset. I’m going to be right here in the kitchen when you’re ready for a hug.” This removes the attention from the behavior while reinforcing your loving presence.
My child sometimes bangs their head or hits themselves during a tantrum. Should I be worried? It’s definitely alarming to see, but this behavior is surprisingly common in toddlers. They aren’t trying to seriously hurt themselves; it’s often a raw expression of overwhelming frustration that they can’t put into words. The best response is to calmly intervene to ensure their safety. You can place a pillow under their head or gently hold their hands and say, “I won’t let you hurt yourself.” While it’s usually a passing phase, if the behavior is frequent or causing injury, it’s always a good idea to mention it to your pediatrician for guidance.
How can I tell the difference between a tantrum over a ‘want’ versus a meltdown from being overwhelmed? A tantrum over a “want” is often goal-oriented—your child wants a cookie and is protesting because you said no. They might keep looking at you to see if their strategy is working. A true meltdown, however, is usually a reaction to being overstimulated, tired, or hungry. In this state, your child is completely overcome by their feelings and isn’t really in control of their actions. The best approach for a meltdown is to focus on comfort, safety, and meeting their underlying need, while a tantrum over a want is an opportunity to hold a boundary with empathy.
Key Takeaways
- Understand the “Why” Behind the Outburst: Reframe tantrums as a normal developmental stage where your child is struggling to communicate big feelings. This shift allows you to respond with empathy and see the unmet need behind the behavior.
- Prevent Meltdowns with Predictability: You can reduce the frequency of outbursts by creating a secure environment. Offer limited choices, give warnings before transitions, and stick to routines to help your child feel in control and prepared for what’s next.
- Be the Calm Anchor in Their Storm: During a tantrum, your calm is contagious. Keep your child safe, use very few words to acknowledge their feelings, and hold boundaries without giving in. The goal is to connect and guide them through the emotion, not punish it.
