Not too long ago, experts advised parents to keep an emotional distance from their children to foster independence. We now know the opposite is true. Thanks to pioneering research, we understand that a deep, secure bond with a caregiver is the essential foundation from which a child feels safe enough to explore the world. This theory becomes very real for parents when their sweet, easygoing baby suddenly becomes a toddler who won’t let them leave the room. This shift is a critical developmental milestone. Learning about the link between a healthy bond and your child’s separation anxiety attachment style is key to feeling capable and calm during these temporary storms.
It’s hard to imagine a world where children were purposely separated from their parents in order to avoid them becoming attached. This attachment was seen as coddling, and it was thought that the child would grow up to be weak and a less effective adult. This was the case in Western culture up to and including the 1950s. Thanks to modern child development research, especially that of Dr. Phillip Shaver, ideas and practices around attachment have entered a new phase. This becomes of interest to the average parent when their child starts to exhibit separation anxiety.
Dealing with a child with separation can be difficult. Every parent wants to make sure their child grows up secure and with good emotional health. Setting the stage for healthy adulthood starts early, and we at Strong Start Early Care and Education are proud to take part in this part of your child’s life. As the Top Rated Local® child care provider in Trumbull, we care for children from six weeks to pre-school. To learn how our program can benefit your child, schedule a tour to meet our teachers and to see our facility. In this week’s article, we’ll cover attachment styles and how to deal with separation anxiety in children.
The Founder: John Bowlby
To understand attachment, we first have to thank the person who brought the concept to the forefront of child psychology: John Bowlby. A British psychologist, Bowlby revolutionized how we think about the parent-child connection. He was the founder of attachment theory, proposing that the bonds formed between children and their primary caregivers are absolutely essential for healthy emotional development. Before his work, the common belief was that showing too much affection would spoil a child. Bowlby’s research showed the opposite is true. He argued that a child’s need for a secure, dependable relationship with a caregiver is a fundamental part of being human, providing a safe base from which they can explore the world. This idea laid the groundwork for a more compassionate and informed approach to parenting and early education.
The Four Stages of Attachment Development in Children
Attachment isn’t like a switch that suddenly flips on; it’s a gradual process that unfolds over time. Bowlby identified four distinct stages that children typically move through as they form these crucial bonds. Understanding these phases can be incredibly helpful for parents, as it provides a roadmap for your child’s emotional world. It helps you make sense of why your two-month-old is happy to be held by anyone, while your nine-month-old might cry when you leave the room. Each stage builds on the last, creating a strong foundation for future relationships. Knowing what to expect can help you respond to your child’s needs with confidence and empathy, supporting them as they build their first and most important connections with you.
Pre-attachment (Birth to 6 weeks)
In the very beginning, during the pre-attachment phase, your newborn isn’t playing favorites. From birth to about six weeks, infants are primarily focused on having their basic needs met. They’ll signal—by crying or fussing—when they need something, and they’ll generally accept comfort from any caring adult who responds. While it might feel like they don’t recognize you specifically just yet, every time you feed, soothe, and hold them, you are building the very first layers of trust. They are learning that the world is a place where their needs are met. This stage is all about instinctual behaviors that keep them close to people, which is the first step in forming a secure attachment style.
Attachment-in-the-making (6 weeks to 8 months)
This is the stage where you’ll likely see that first heart-melting smile directed right at you. Between six weeks and about eight months, your baby enters the “attachment-in-the-making” phase. They begin to recognize and show a clear preference for their primary caregivers. While they probably won’t protest when you leave them with another trusted adult, they will respond differently to you than they do to strangers. You’ll notice more smiles, more coos, and an easier time soothing them. This is because they are developing a sense of trust, learning that you are a reliable source of comfort and care. At Strong Start, our infant classroom educators focus on building this same trust through consistent, nurturing interactions.
Clear-cut attachment (8 months to 2 years)
If you have a baby between eight months and two years old, you are likely very familiar with this next stage. The “clear-cut attachment” phase is when that bond with a primary caregiver becomes incredibly strong and obvious. This is also when separation anxiety typically emerges. Your child may become upset or cry when you leave, and they may show wariness toward strangers. While it can be tough to see your little one distressed, this is actually a wonderful sign of healthy, secure attachment! It shows they have a strong preference for you and feel safest in your presence. This deepening bond is a critical milestone in their emotional development.
Formation of reciprocal relationships (2 years and beyond)
Starting around age two, your child’s understanding of relationships begins to mature. In this final stage, they start to form reciprocal relationships. They are beginning to grasp that you have feelings, needs, and goals of your own and that you will return after you leave. This cognitive leap allows for more of a give-and-take dynamic. Instead of just protesting your departure, they might try to negotiate with you (“one more story before you go!”). This stage marks the beginning of a more complex partnership, where communication and mutual understanding play a bigger role. It’s the foundation for developing empathy and navigating the social world, skills we actively nurture in our preschool classrooms.
Shaver’s Attachment Styles
His work centers around adults’ styles, but the styles he sets out are based on observed patterns in infants and children and are, in turn, based on the “Strange Situation” study of Mary Ainsworth. His three attachment styles are: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Even small children display behavior that is indicative on one of these styles. Whether these traits are fully based on nature or nurture it is not yet completely clear, but they are certainly strongly influenced by parenting techniques.
- He asserts that attachment is natural and healthy. Being attached to another person has evolutionary advantages since there is safety in numbers, and being able to depend on another person increases a person’s chances of survival. Children who are securely attached to their parent or caregiver are more likely to explore confidently, and these traits follow them into adulthood. People with this style are comfortable letting their needs be known and know how to organize their lives to have their needs met.
- People with Anxious Attachment Style crave attachment but often from fantasy bonds. Their clingy behavior often backfires and has the effect of alienating people, so despite wanting to bond, the find it difficult and their needs go unmet.
- People with an avoidant attachment style habitually distance themselves from people and often make plans, then break them. These are people who send mixed signals and string potential partners along.
Secure Attachment
This is the goal for most parent-child relationships. Secure attachment forms when a child can consistently rely on their caregiver to be a source of comfort and security. As the research notes, “Attachment is important for survival and helps children feel safe enough to explore and learn. Children who are securely attached to their parent or caregiver are more likely to explore confidently, and these traits follow them into adulthood.” In practice, this child feels distressed when you leave but is easily soothed upon your return. They see you as a safe base from which they can confidently explore the world. At Strong Start, our child-led curriculum is built on this very idea, encouraging children to investigate their environment with curiosity, knowing they have the full support of our caring educators.
Anxious Attachment
Sometimes called ambivalent attachment, this style often develops when a caregiver’s responses are inconsistent. One day they might be nurturing and available, and the next, they might be distant or intrusive. This unpredictability leaves the child feeling insecure and uncertain if their needs will be met. “People with Anxious Attachment Style crave attachment but often from fantasy bonds. Their clingy behavior often backfires and has the effect of alienating people, so despite wanting to bond, they find it difficult and their needs go unmet.” A child with this style may be extremely distressed when a parent leaves but is not comforted by their return, sometimes even rejecting the parent’s attempts to soothe them. They learn that they have to be demanding or “clingy” to get the attention they need.
Avoidant Attachment
This style can emerge when a caregiver is consistently unavailable, unresponsive, or dismissive of a child’s needs. The child learns that seeking comfort is pointless and may even lead to rejection, so they suppress their natural desire to reach out. “People with an avoidant attachment style habitually distance themselves from people and often make plans, then break them.” In a childcare setting, this child might not seem to care when their parent leaves or returns. They may appear highly independent and avoid physical contact, having learned to rely only on themselves for comfort. Creating a strong home-school connection is key, which is why we prioritize partnering with parents to ensure every child receives consistent, responsive care.
Disorganized Attachment
A fourth style, disorganized attachment, is often seen in children who have experienced frightening or unpredictable behavior from a caregiver. The person who is supposed to be their source of safety is also a source of fear, which is incredibly confusing for a child. This can lead to a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviors. They might seem dazed, freeze up, or show other contradictory actions when their caregiver is present. As experts at Sandstone Care note, “Disorganized attachment styles are considered insecure or unhealthy. They often lead to anxiety, emotional pain, and make it hard to form healthy relationships.” Creating a predictable and nurturing environment is crucial for these children, reinforcing the importance of our commitment to health and safety in every classroom.
How Insecure Attachment Styles Develop
Attachment styles aren’t just personality quirks; they are adaptive responses developed in early childhood based on a child’s relationship with their primary caregivers. The emotional foundation for how we connect with others is largely built between the ages of six months and two years. During this critical window, a child learns whether they can rely on others to meet their needs and provide a sense of safety. If their needs are met with consistency and warmth, they typically form a secure attachment. However, when care is inconsistent, neglectful, or frightening, a child may develop an insecure attachment style as a way to cope and protect themselves.
The Role of Caregiver Responses
A child’s brain is wired to seek connection for survival. How a parent or caregiver responds to their cries, smiles, and bids for attention teaches them fundamental lessons about relationships. If a caregiver is emotionally available and responsive, the child learns that they are worthy of love and that others can be trusted. Conversely, if a caregiver is frequently unavailable, dismissive, or unpredictable, the child may conclude that their needs don’t matter or that they must manage their big feelings all on their own. This is why consistent, nurturing environments with highly trained educators are so important for reinforcing a child’s sense of security and belonging.
Causes of Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment often develops when a caregiver’s responses are inconsistent. One day they might be warm and attentive, and the next they might be distant, overwhelmed, or unavailable. This unpredictability leaves the child feeling uncertain and anxious, never knowing which version of their caregiver they will get. As a result, they may become clingy or demanding to ensure their needs for comfort and attention are met. They learn that they have to work hard to maintain closeness, which can create a lifelong pattern of craving connection while simultaneously fearing abandonment, often leading to behaviors that inadvertently push others away.
Causes of Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment typically forms when a caregiver is consistently emotionally distant, critical, or unresponsive to a child’s needs. This can happen if a parent discourages crying or dismisses expressions of fear or sadness. The child learns that showing vulnerability or seeking comfort leads to rejection or disapproval. To cope, they begin to suppress their natural desire for closeness and become prematurely self-reliant. They learn to handle their problems alone and avoid depending on others, seeing emotional intimacy as unsafe or unavailable. This protective shell makes it difficult for them to form deep, meaningful connections later in life.
The Impact of Childhood Trauma and Other Factors
Beyond day-to-day caregiver responses, significant adverse experiences can deeply affect a child’s ability to form secure attachments. Childhood trauma—such as neglect, abuse, or witnessing domestic violence—can shatter a child’s fundamental sense of safety and trust in the world. When a caregiver, who is supposed to be a source of comfort, is also a source of fear, it can lead to a disorganized attachment style. Children with this style may display confusing and contradictory behaviors, simultaneously seeking closeness and pushing it away. Building trust requires a strong, supportive network, which is why partnering with parents is essential to creating a consistent and healing environment for every child.
Separation Anxiety in Children
Almost every single child ever born has separation anxiety at some point. Some have it early, turning every attempt to set them down into the parent picking them back up and carrying them around. Others have it later when the parent tries to leave that at day car, or just for a run to the grocery store, requiring advanced planning and cajoling of every degree. Yet others wait until they hit double digits and finally catch parents who thought they had made a clean get-away from this phase. We’ll look at this middle phase since it is what we see on a regular basis.
You’ll know when our child displays this behavior because they will melt down when you try to leave. You may have them holding onto your legs with arms and legs encircling you, or they may need to be retrained (gently) to allow you to get to your car.
Here are some tips to help lessen the separation anxiety of toddlers and preschoolers.
- Don’t sneak off. This increases a child’s overall anxiety.
- Be sure to say goodbye to them.
- Keep your goodbye short and simple. If you show anxiety, they’ll mirror it.
- Validate their feelings, but be matter-of-fact about your need to leave temporarily.
- Plan ahead and try to leave your child well-rested and fed. A tired and hungry child will be more prone to separation meltdowns.
- Be sure to make them aware of your return.
- You can help your child get used to you leaving by leaving for short periods of time and then returning. They will come to understand that you’ll be back.
A Normal Developmental Timeline
If you’re worried about your child’s tears at drop-off, take a deep breath. It’s important to remember that “almost every single child ever born has separation anxiety at some point.” This phase is a completely normal and healthy sign that your child has formed a strong, secure attachment to you. For some babies, it shows up early as they protest being put down. For toddlers and preschoolers, it often appears during goodbyes at daycare or even before a quick trip to the store. This behavior is a testament to the loving bond you’ve built. At Strong Start, our exceptional educators are experienced in helping little ones through this transition, providing a comforting and engaging environment that helps them feel secure until you return.
When Anxiety Becomes a Concern: Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
While most children outgrow their separation fears, sometimes the anxiety can be more persistent. Typical separation anxiety usually fades by the time a child is two years old. However, if it continues and starts to interfere with daily life, it could be a sign of Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD). According to researchers, SAD can lead to significant challenges, including a refusal to go to school, avoiding activities, and frequent complaints of stomachaches or headaches. It can also disrupt sleep and, if left unaddressed, may increase the risk for other anxiety issues later on. Open communication is key, which is why we prioritize partnering with parents to monitor a child’s well-being and address any concerns together.
Physical Consequences of Anxiety in Children
Intense, long-term anxiety can affect a child in ways that aren’t always obvious. Studies show that significant separation anxiety can sometimes lead to physical habits involving the mouth, like thumb-sucking or teeth grinding. Over time, these habits can potentially cause issues with how their teeth align, a condition known as malocclusion. While this is not something most parents need to worry about, it highlights the importance of creating a stable and reassuring environment for children. Ensuring your child feels safe and secure, both at home and in their early learning setting, supports their emotional and physical development. A consistent routine and a focus on health and safety can provide the predictability that helps anxious children thrive.
How to Nurture a Secure Attachment with Your Child
Preventative Strategies for Parents
Building a secure attachment with your child is an ongoing process that starts from day one. Think of it less as a reaction to separation anxiety and more as a proactive way to build a foundation of trust and emotional security. When children feel deeply and consistently connected to their caregivers, they develop the confidence to explore the world around them, knowing they have a safe base to return to. These strategies aren’t just about easing goodbyes at the classroom door; they are about nurturing a resilient, emotionally healthy person. At Strong Start, we believe in partnering with parents to support this crucial development, creating a seamless circle of care between home and school.
Responding to Your Child’s Cues
From the very beginning, your child communicates their needs through cues—a cry, a reach, a smile. Responding to these signals promptly and warmly is one of the most powerful ways to build a secure attachment. When you pick up your crying baby or comfort your distressed toddler, you are teaching them a fundamental lesson: “You are safe, you are heard, and I am here for you.” This consistent emotional support and physical availability helps your child learn to trust you and, by extension, the world. Our infant classrooms are designed around this principle, with low teacher-to-child ratios ensuring that every baby receives the attentive, responsive care they need to thrive.
The Importance of Quality Time and Affection
The emotional bond you form with your child, especially between six months and two years old, sets the stage for future relationships and their ability to explore confidently. Nurturing this bond doesn’t require elaborate plans or expensive toys; it simply requires your focused attention. Quality time can be as simple as getting on the floor to play, reading a book together before naptime, or sharing a hug. These moments of connection, filled with warmth and affection, are the building blocks of a secure attachment. We integrate these nurturing interactions throughout your child’s day at Strong Start, ensuring they feel loved and valued from arrival to pickup.
Attachment in Adulthood: Understanding and Healing
While we focus on our children’s development, it’s just as important to understand how our own early experiences shape us as parents. The attachment styles formed in infancy follow us into adulthood, influencing our relationships and parenting. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward building healthier connections for yourself and your family. This self-awareness is a powerful tool for breaking generational cycles and creating a stable, loving environment where your children can flourish.
From Childhood Patterns to Adult Relationships
Our earliest bonds often create a blueprint for our adult relationships. If a child’s need for connection isn’t consistently met, they can grow into an adult with an insecure attachment style, which can lead to a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This might show up as a constant worry that the people you care about will reject or leave you. The good news is that your attachment style isn’t set in stone. While these patterns are formed early, you can absolutely change them over time. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can learn new, healthier ways of relating to others and build the secure connections you deserve.
Paths to Healing and Growth
Healing from insecure attachment is about learning to give yourself the security you may not have received as a child. For many, this journey involves professional support. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your history, with approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helping to reframe negative thoughts. Alongside professional guidance, self-care is essential. This means learning to meet your own emotional needs through mindfulness, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion. At Strong Start, we believe in partnering with parents because we know that when you feel secure, you can provide that same stability for your child. Taking steps to heal your own attachment patterns is a powerful way to model emotional health and resilience for the next generation.
A Word of Consolation
If your child is upset that you are leaving them at daycare, take consolation in the fact that they have successfully bonded with you. This is a good thing, but yes, it does make leaving them heartbreaking. They will be okay. You know they are safe here at Strong Start Day Care. We make sure all the children in our care are looked after, both emotionally and cognitively. We use methods to nurture emotional intelligence as well as an inquiry-based curriculum to stimulate their curiosity.
When you are looking for daycare in the Trumbull and Bridgeport area, be sure to turn to Strong Start Early Care and Education. We are dedicated to doing our part to help children grow into secure life-long learners. Call us today.
Frequently Asked Questions
My toddler gets so upset when I leave them at daycare. Does this mean they have an insecure attachment? It’s completely understandable why that would be a concern, but in most cases, it’s actually the opposite! Those tears and clingy hugs are a powerful sign that your child has formed a strong, healthy bond with you. This phase, often called “clear-cut attachment,” is a normal and important developmental milestone that usually appears between eight months and two years. It shows that your child sees you as their safe person and protests when you leave. While it’s heartbreaking in the moment, it’s a testament to the secure connection you’ve built together.
Is it possible to “spoil” my baby by responding to their needs too quickly or holding them too much? This is a common myth that has thankfully been debunked by modern research. You absolutely cannot spoil a baby with too much love or responsiveness. When you consistently and warmly respond to your child’s cues—whether it’s a cry for hunger, comfort, or just a cuddle—you are teaching them that the world is a safe place and that they can trust you. This foundation of trust is what allows them to eventually become confident and independent explorers.
How can I tell if my child’s separation anxiety is a normal phase or something more serious? Most children experience a phase of separation anxiety that peaks in toddlerhood and then gradually fades. This is a typical part of their development. It becomes a concern if the anxiety is extreme, persists beyond the preschool years, and starts to interfere with their daily life. For example, if your child consistently refuses to go to school, has trouble sleeping alone, or frequently complains of physical ailments like stomachaches to avoid separation, it might be worth discussing with your pediatrician or a child development expert.
I’m worried my own struggles with relationships might be affecting my parenting. Is it too late to build a secure attachment with my child? It is never too late. One of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is to become aware of your own patterns. Our early experiences certainly shape us, but they don’t have to define our parenting. By focusing on being a consistent, responsive, and loving presence for your child now, you can absolutely build a secure and resilient bond. Every positive interaction helps strengthen that connection, regardless of what came before.
What is the best way to handle goodbyes to make them less stressful for my child? The key is to create a predictable and reassuring routine. Always say goodbye; sneaking away can create more anxiety because they won’t know when you might disappear. Keep your farewell short, sweet, and confident. You can say something like, “I love you, I’m going to work now, and I’ll be back after your nap.” Acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I know you’re sad that I’m leaving,” but remain calm and matter-of-fact about your departure. This consistency helps them understand that you always come back.
Key Takeaways
- Tears at drop-off mean you’re doing it right: While it feels tough, your child’s separation anxiety is a clear sign that you’ve successfully built a strong, secure bond. This phase is a normal and healthy milestone that shows they trust you as their safe base.
- Build security through small, consistent actions: Fostering a secure attachment doesn’t require grand gestures. It’s built by reliably responding to your child’s cues—soothing their cries, sharing a hug, and giving them your focused attention—which teaches them they can always count on you.
- Your own attachment patterns matter: The way we connect in our adult relationships is often shaped by our own early experiences. Understanding your personal attachment style is a powerful step toward modeling healthy emotional connections for your child.
